Writer Karma: Don’t Be a Taker
Everyone who knows me and follows my blog knows I love to help others. I’ve even gone so far as calling myself “pathologically helpful.” It’s a compulsion for me. *smile*
I have almost 575 writing-related posts on this blog—for free (and I don’t have advertising here, so I don’t make money off my blog either). I regularly answer questions on Facebook, Twitter, or off my Contact page—for free. I offer beat sheets, Scrivener templates, and other writing worksheets—for free. I don’t even require “payment” of an email address to download those worksheets, unlike many other sites.
(Tangent: Did you see the new worksheet I added over the holidays? Ensure your story includes all the essential elements.)
Most people who contact me are appreciative, and I really am happy to help. But there are a few… *sigh*
The Importance of the Writing Community
I’ve written before about the awesomeness of the writing community. Sometimes, having others who understand us—our quirks, our motivations, our neuroses—is all that keeps us going.
I don’t know how writers could succeed without the shared knowledge of the writing community either. The plethora of blog posts on the craft of writing and the publishing industry is worthy of a self-driven, doctorate-level education.
We all start as newbies who don’t know what we’re doing, yet somehow, with the help of other writers and their freely given knowledge and support, we learn, we grow, and we hopefully succeed.
I started there in Newbie Land too. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help of other writers and editors, through their blog posts, workshops, craft books, etc. So a big part of why I’m so helpful is to pay it forward to other writers.
What Does “Paying It Forward” Mean?
The writing community can be our ticket to many wonderful things, but to be part of the community, we have to find our place:
- Can we offer insights to others in areas where we’re not the newbie?
- Do we share or retweet good posts we discover that might help others on their path too?
- Can we offer support to other writers through cheerleading or an understanding shoulder?
- Do we have publishing-related skills to offer other writers?
- Can we help out by being a beta reader or critique partner?
- Do we help authors we appreciate with promotion or reviews?
There are countless ways we can “fit in” with the writing community, but I want to draw attention to what those examples all have in common:
A community is about giving and taking,
not just taking.
In other words, the perpetual motion that keeps a community going is the willingness of everyone to pay-it-forward in some way.
Time: Our Most Precious Resource
I’m insanely busy. Like, almost literally insane.
I have a day job, and I write two epic-length blog posts a week. *smile* Plus, to afford publishing (you know, the reason I’m here learning all this stuff I share to begin with), I have two side jobs of offering workshops and editing services.
My writing time is already severely limited by all of that. And I haven’t even touched on the nearly 100 writing-related emails and messages I receive a day, many of which are those requests for help I mentioned. (And that limited writing time hasn’t counted the importance of making time for my family either.)
So when someone requests help, they’re really asking for my most precious resource: my time.
How to Annoy a Fellow Writer in One Easy Step
Most requests I receive from writers give something in return. They mention how they shared my work, wrote a review, or something else to help me. Or at the very least, they show appreciation for me, my blog, my worksheets, my books, my time… Something.
But there are a few who approach me as though they’re entitled to my time. As though I have nothing else better to do than give them exactly what they want when they want it.
*bzzt* Wrong. No one is entitled to my time.
3 Tips for How to Avoid Being a Taker
Every time a request for help irritates me, the reason I’m annoyed comes down to the same issue. The writer asking for help comes across as a taker.
Yet I also know that some writers are a bit on the social misfit side. (I’m a panic-attack prone introvert, myself.) Or maybe they’re from a country with different expectations. Or maybe English isn’t their first language.
So I’m willing to give writers the benefit of the doubt about many things. Just in case they don’t intend to be a taker or don’t realize they’re being a taker, let’s see if we can come up with a few tips to help…
#1: Don’t Take Advantage of Givers
Sometimes the requests I receive assume that I owe them tech support on why they can’t download or open one of my worksheets or templates. *sigh* 100% of the time, it’s user error. So while I can try to help—if I have time—it’s in no way my responsibility.
I don’t owe anyone my time to fix their problem on worksheets they’re receiving for free. Yet given the snotty attitude of some of these requests, you’d think I’d committed fraud.
Other requests expect or demand more of me. They want me to deliver more writing tools for their niche interest. I’m happy to develop more beat sheets or writing tools if I think it will be helpful to many of my readers (as in, downloaded hundreds or thousands of times), but I’m not going to spend time on a project that only a handful might use.
#2: Don’t Waste Others’ Time
Sometimes those requests want me to answer a question that I’ve already answered on the blog. “How do I find beta readers?” is a common one.
Obviously, if they’re asking me that question, they know enough about me and my blog to think I’d have the answer. Yet they haven’t bothered to use the search field in the sidebar of my blog for the purpose of looking up that post.
Guess what? That search field is how I look up posts to answer questions like that. (It’s shocking, I know, but I don’t have the links of all my 550+ posts memorized. *snicker*)
If someone searches and asks if I have a post about something they can’t find, that’s obviously a different matter (and might even give me ideas for future posts!). But being too lazy to first try to find the answer themselves is a variation of “Let me Google that for you.”
#3: Be Appreciative or Give Back in Some Way
Even in an example like the beta reader question above, if they don’t seem like a taker (i.e., they’re at least appreciative in some way), I’ll answer with that link above. Yes, that still takes time because I have to look up the link, but if they’re giving back in some way, I’m willing to do it.
The difference between a taker and a giver can be just a few words:
“Hi, I’m trying to find where I can get a beta reader.”
vs.
“Hi, I love your blog! Can you direct me to where I could find beta readers? Thanks!”
Seriously. This doesn’t have to be difficult. Yet I receive messages like that first example All. The. Time.
(Interestingly, messages like the first example are often written in text speak, with bad grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. Now, maybe they’re non-English speakers, but given their choice to skip the step of first searching on their own, it’s even easier to think they can’t be bothered to spend the time writing a real message. And funnily enough, writers can be judgmental about things like the written word. *grin* So abusing the language doesn’t make a good impression when asking a favor—which is what asking me to spend my time really is. Why should I be bothered to spend the time when they weren’t?)
Why would I give up my time—my most important and limited resource—to do anything for someone who can’t even say “thanks”? Just because they asked the question doesn’t mean I owe them an answer.
Takers Burn Bridges in the Writing Community
The writing community can be a great way to network and make connections. Many of us rely on other writers for beta reading or critique partner feedback. Countless authors get their start by making friends within the community, which can lead to connections with agents/publishers or book review bloggers, etc.
Like most people, I tend to help my friends more than strangers. I also tend to help people that I see active in the community or who are friends of my friends.
I have a very limited amount of time to do anything, and I’m behind on every project possible. So something has to fall off my to-do list. That means, bye, bye, takers.
Friendships are a two-way street, and so are the connections in the writing community. We have to give if we expect to receive.
Those who are takers will find themselves left out. They won’t have access to other writers for feedback help, they won’t get answers from the experts on their questions, and they won’t have the connections or friendships that can help us succeed.
The writing community is awesome and wonderful. It’s filled with writers happy to pay it forward or to pull up others behind them. It is like a perpetual motion machine in many ways. But we all must play a part in keeping the gears greased. *smile*
P.S. I wrote a follow-up post with more information on recognizing takers and their manipulative techniques. The better we can recognize them, the better we can set boundaries. *smile*
Have you run into takers in the writing community? What made them a taker? How did you react or respond to them? Do you think I’m wrong for my policy of ignoring and/or not helping takers? Do you have any other tips for how to avoid being a taker?
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I send my sympathies to you Jami because in online life and in real life I also meet entitled takers who have no second thoughts whatsoever, so I understand . I’ve been avoiding this kind of people since my time is short even for the people I want to devote my time to. It’s even more annoying when such people pick an extremely busy time, like one day before you are going to travel for example and want to appear in between with their own endless taking that has nothing to do with your busy schedule.
Hi Leticia,
So true! When we’re already busy or stressed, we have even less patience for takers–at least I know that’s the case for me. 😀 Thanks for stopping by!
I think you absolutely make valid points. Imagine if EVERYONE was a taker. How exhausting would that be? I know I’d want to take my crayons and play elsewhere, if that was the case. Your first priority with your writing is YOUR WRITING.
I’m thankful to have found your blogs and others like it, and I only hope I can give back one day. The more I dive into the world of writing, the more I realize there’s so much I don’t know, and I learn more because of people like you who share what you know with the world.
Hi Beks,
Exactly! If everyone was a taker, society would grind to a halt. :/
I’ve written many posts about how my readers here are why I blog, so that means 99.9% are wonderful. 😀 And for those wonderful people like you, I’m honored to help your journey along. Thanks for allowing me that opportunity!
Thank you, thank you, (a million times thank you!) for posting this. Many people are good about paying it forward or at the very least, respecting a person’s time and mental energy. Yet it is amazing how others are not…enough that posts like this are necessary. And know how very much I value your insight, helps and friendship! <3
Hi Angela,
Yes! So much of this comes down to respecting others’ time and energy, and when we ask for a favor, respect for whoever we’re asking the favor of should be at the forefront of our mind. 🙂
That’s why I’m going to try not to feel guilty for ignoring the takers. LOL! I don’t have to respect their question or desire for help if they don’t respect me.
Aww, thank you! I very much I value you, your friendship, and everything you do too! *hugs*
*group hugs*
There are a few things I have done to cut down on the time stealers when it comes to the blog, and this has helped. For example, I now no longer respond to guest post requests that don’t come through my online form. I have clear guidelines right in my menu and yet it is amazing how many people email me (cold call). Usually these people say they’ve spent time on my site and love the posts, but clearly if they had spent time there, they would see “guest post guidelines.”
It seems like a little thing, but if you answer the questions on the form, you save me at least 2-3 emails trying to see what your topic is about and whether you have the skill/knowledge to write it. I welcome all guest posters of all levels, but Becca and I focus on fresh topic and need quality posts. The form tells me right away if something is suitable or not.
I don’t like not responding, but explaining through email what they should already know about guest posting on our site is just something I don’t have time for. In our industry, following guidelines are important, as is market research, so I don’t think it’s too much to ask that people follow protocol for guest posting with us. And this goes for the many emails I get from publicists that are clearly one-size-fits-all mailings. Everyone needs to follow the same rules. 😉
Hi Angela,
That’s a good policy. I don’t usually accept guest posts here, so I don’t run into that issue very often, but you’re right that most of the cold call types don’t seem to have a clue. I created a Policy page to give myself permission to delete those out of hand. 🙂
I’m glad to know I’m not alone with that. LOL! Thanks for sharing!
I’m sorry you have to deal with such people. Even though I don’t write romance, I find your blog a treasure trove, and I am so grateful for it and you. You are helping by posting all these very helpful articles. That is enough of your time taken. Thank you, I hope you have less of those people in the future to deal with.
Hi Aura,
Aww, thank you for the kind words! (I really didn’t mean for this post to be about “fishing for compliments.” LOL!) And yes, we can all hope for fewer takers in our lives! 😀
Wow. It is incredible that people would actually think you HAVE to help them use the resources you so generously created and shared! SMH! You are indeed incredible generous with your time and knowledge. I’m a big fan of your blog and though I do try to pay forward all the blessings and help I have received (I help promote authors and bloggers, serve as beta reader, etc.) I’ll try to make sure I also say thank directly the people that actually helped me more often to. So let me start by saying THANK YOU Jami! and I’ll try to make more evident how much I love your posts 🙂
Hi Daniela,
*blush* Aww, thank you so much! Honestly, as I mentioned above, for the 99.9% wonderful people, I’m honored for the opportunity to help them in their journey. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
Preach it Jami!
*looks for Likex1000 button*
I’m ticked at myself today for letting a ‘taker’ eat 6 hours of my yesterday. Ugh.
-Jay
Hi Tech Guy Jay,
Ugh. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. 🙁
I think consciously thinking through what limitations we want to set for acceptable requests of our time might help us avoid letting others “eat” up our lives. Good luck and thanks for stopping by!
One of my ex-writer friends certainly fits the taker mold. She was also the type who enjoyed sabotaging others. According to her there was only one correct genre, the one she wrote for. Everything else was just fluff and filler. She felt entitled to other people’s time, but if she were approached for advice or help she just couldn’t. She discounted other people’s situations but she demanded help for hers. It was all hands on deck. I helped her gain the courage to put her work out there and suddenly she informed me that I didn’t have her success because I didn’t write like her. Here it is years later and she doesn’t write anymore. That woman stabbed every writer she ever came in contact with in the back. She hung herself with her own rope.
After dealing with her I did become a little more cautious helping people. Writers do have issues but the ones with the real issues soon make themselves apparent. I don’t blame you one bit for ignoring the takers, Jami. Life’s too short.
Hi Serbella,
Ugh! That definitely sounds like a good friend to be an *ex*. 😉 I’m glad you were able to escape and move past her. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!
Free and cheap prices attract control freaks, the type who feel entitled to service from others. It sucks.
Fortunately, they aren’t the only ones who hang out there. 🙂
Hi Carradee,
So true! We talked about that issue with freebie books too. 🙁
But as you said, there are many more who don’t fit that mold. 🙂 Thanks for being one of the great ones! (And yes, I owe you an email–LOL!)
Great post as always, Jami! I appreciate the amount of work you put into your blog and templates. (Many thanks!) So sorry you have to deal with the takers. The only advice I have is for people to stop and “think” before they hit the Send button. Until then, keep protecting your boundaries. 🙂
Hi Lucy,
“Protect your boundaries”–well said! 🙂
And yes, hopefully this post will help people stop and think first. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
This is such a timely and must-needed post, Jami! I hope a lot of people will take heed.
It’s also good to remind new writers that “giving” a free ebook to a high-profile blogger and then demanding a review or a critique is NOT giving. I now refuse all books from new authors. If a book interests me, I’ll buy it.
I give a huge amount of time free to new writers on my blog. I can’t also offer free editing and review services as well. I need some time to earn a living. Plus I have enough reading material on my Kindle for the next 25 years.
I also am not a book review blogger, which anybody who looked at my blog would know. So here’s a reminder for new authors: read a blog before you contact a blogger and don’t send out “free” books in order to guilt-trip people into reviewing you. We would all like more reviews, but that’s not the way to get them.
Hi Anne,
LOL! I’m right there with you on the 25-year-long to-be-read pile. 🙂
In the last few years, I’ve been so busy that I’ve done shockingly little reading, but I’ve started a few new habits (mostly taking advantage of “dead” time while I’m waiting for other things) to fit in more reading. But that’s me time, when I want to read for pleasure, not work. 🙂
As you alluded to, there are many wrong ways to try to get reviews. Unfortunately. (Did you see the author catfishing a review blogger about being a Penguin employee, just to trick bloggers into reading her book? *shakes head*) Thanks for the comment!
I hadn’t heard about the crazy catfish lady! Just checked it out. What a saga! Here’s a link for people who hadn’t heard about it. http://bookishantics.com/2016/01/04/beware-catfished-fake-penguin-employee/
Authors need to stop being so obsessed about reviews. They don’t influence sales as much as we’ve been told. So many of them are fake, nobody pays much attention to them any more.
Hi Anne,
Yes, the extremes she went through all for reviews is crazy. *shakes head* (And thanks for including the link! I couldn’t find that article when I mentioned it before. 🙂 )
I just want to say thank you Jami. I’d like to be able to say that your beat sheets (which are awesome!) are the best thing that’s ever happened to struggling writers, but they aren’t.
You however, the actual YOU, are one of those rare best things. Your sense of real caring does come through I assure you. I can’t say every single article has helped me, but the ones that have inevitably result in one of those little “Ah ha!” moments I’ve come to cherish.
Like Daniela, I want to make sure I remember to directly thank the people who help me. Let’s call it a New Year’s resolution worth keeping and I can’t think of a better person to start with than you.
Thank you again and have a wonderful New Year!
Hi Ria,
Aww… *blush* I’m so glad that I (and my writing posts and tools) have been helpful for you!
Making sure those who help us feel appreciated is a wonderful Resolution for us all–thanks for sharing the great idea! 😀
Great post, Jami! I’m a huge fan of your blog, and I mention your beat sheets (which are awesome) to writers all the time. I run a small beta reading service, and while 99.99999% of the people I deal with are fantastic, there are some who are just…not. So I can sympathize. Thanks for all you do, you are incredibly generous. And thanks for mentioning your editing services, somehow I’d missed that.
All the best for 2016!
Maia
Hi Maia,
Aww, thank you so much for sharing my beat sheets with others! 🙂
As you said, 99.9% of people are wonderful–and they make it more than worth it to continue helping others. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you have a fantastic 2016 too!
Oh, yeah, I’m also quite judgmental like the typical writer when it comes to spelling and grammar, haha. I think I mentioned that I’m on Wattpad, and once, there was this girl who randomly messaged me with something like “I see you like Pokemons. I like Pikachu”, except with some more spelling and grammatical errors that I don’t remember. (I’m such a grammar and spelling Nazi that I don’t even recall what their errors were. XD Like repressed memories.) Also, this girl made me feel she was just talking to me for the sake of talking, or she wanted to get something from me (e.g. become her follower), because one, you don’t say “Pokemons”, you say “Pokemon”! (Yeah I seem to be a Pokemon grammar Nazi as well, ahahaha) Plus, Pikachu is a Pokemon that is quite widely known, so telling a passionate Pokemon fan like me that she likes Pikachu, is akin to saying “I don’t know anything about Pokemon. I just want to chat you up or gain your favor and future help.” If she mentioned a Pokemon fact that non-Pokemon fans would likely not know, like “my favorite Pokemon is Gengar as well! Ghost types are the best!” or maybe even with an added “I’m looking forward to reading your fanfic on the Gengar Twins when you start posting it in the future. 🙂 ” (since I mentioned this WIP in my author bio) ; then I would be more likely to think that she genuinely loves… — Read More »
Hi Serena, LOL! at your “repressed memories.” I understand. 🙂 Thanks for sharing the examples of the difference between someone genuine and not. That’s like the generic platitudes I receive in sales pitch emails. “Hi, You have great material on your site, but did you know you could do X to improve your SEO. Let me help you.” *rolls eyes* As you said about WattPad, when we’re presenting ourselves as a writer, we should act like we have the basics down pat. Honestly, the basics should be so natural to us that it would take more energy to break the rules. 😉 The only exception I can think of to that would be when we’re writing on our phones and the auto-correct or keyboard setup of our phone does make it harder to follow the basics. However, like you, I still follow the grammar rules because I don’t want to create the wrong impression. So those who don’t are essentially telling us they’re a writer but not showing us. LOL! And yes, for your example of finding something to agree with, I do that all the time as well. Oh! I love the name you came up with for your publishing house. I see that fitting you very well. Congratulations! As far as friendships and giving, yes, giving shouldn’t come with strings attached, as in “I’m only doing A so you’ll do B for me.” That’s not sincere giving. At the same time, the giver is free to stop giving… — Read More »
Argh! Yeah those generic sales pitches. 🙁 Oh btw this is not meant to be a gripe against Amazon, as I love to shop there, but I find it quite ridiculous that when they recommend products to me, they often recommend things I already bought from them. XDD I know they probably rely on some machine algorithms, but still it’s quite funny, haha. Yay! Glad you like Snow Art Publishing too. ^^ Yes indeed for the friendship and giving. Uh, just in case I gave the wrong impression up there for anyone else who read my comment, I didn’t mean that friendship is all about equal reciprocation. I do mean that true friends enjoy helping each other and even offering help without being asked when the need arises. It’s only during the more extreme situations like if the helping task is VERY demanding (on time, energy, resources) etc., that I might feel it’s okay to ask for a little reward, even if it’s just free ice cream, lol. But what is “very demanding” may depend on the person. For my friend who doesn’t like to think of payments and repayments at all, even she gawked at how much I was asking her to help me with, when I asked if she could be my “client” for practicing some counseling skills for my course. Lol, it is long, with 3 parts to the practices, and also 2 separate video recorded sessions (the first is 10 mins, the second 20 mins) I… — Read More »
Hi Serena,
LOL! Amazon does that to me too. :/
Yes, no matter the type of relationship/friendship, no one wants to feel taken advantage of. That sounds like a good solution for the big favor you asked. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
I think it’s worst when you have popular blog. I first started out as a blogger before turning to fiction. It was the exact same thing. I would get request for information all the time when they could have found their answer with a simple google search or a search within the blog. I eventually created a FAQ page of all the recurring questions with linking to the blog post. Then, I just direct visitors to the FAQ question first.
Annie
Hi Anne,
Yes, the bigger the blog, sometimes the bigger the problems. :/
I’d love to do an FAQ here, but my topics run the gamut, and I wouldn’t know where to start. LOL! It’s a great idea though, and I’m glad it’s working for you. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
I do hope I am not a taker, although there are a couple of times in the cobwebs of my brain where I remember not being as gracious as I should. If I remember right, those couple of times had been through emails with you. If I have acted neglectful to you and/or your higher knowledge of the writing craft, please accept my apology. I did not do it intentionally, although that really doesn’t make a difference in how it’s may have effected you.
I certainly want to pay forward, but I’m not sure if I’ll even get to the point where I have something worthwhile to give. Getting past the newbie stage seems to take forever.
If you think you might be a taker, odds are you aren’t one. The root of takers’ attitude is an underlying sense of entitlement, that others naturally owe them. Others can display “taking” traits sometimes, especially if they were raised in an environment where it was their “normal”, but if you aren’t a taker yourself, you’ll actually so consideration and respect for others and what they have done, instead of demanding more or something else of them.
Or at least that’s my experience. 🙂
Hi Carradee,
That’s a good point. Many people who are takers are adamant that they aren’t one because they don’t see what they doing as “taking” but rather only “expecting what they’re owed” (“owed” in their belief anyway).
Simple respect, understanding, and gratitude are often enough to avoid being a taker for all but the biggest favors, so it’s easy for those who aren’t naturally takers to avoid the issue in most situations. So I agree with your experience. 🙂 Thanks for chiming in!
Hi Glynis,
You are absolutely not a taker. 😀 I can’t even imagine what you might be remembering that was borderline. LOL! So please, don’t even worry about it!
And I have faith that you’ll get there. One day, you’ll suddenly realize that you do know stuff. 🙂 But yes, I understand that newbie stage and can understand the frustration (as I blogged about recently–LOL!). Thank you for the kind thoughts, but seriously don’t worry about it! 😀
The group of writers I have met since I started my writing journey have been kind and helpful with my newbie questions. Recently I had a chance to have coffee and answer questions for a new friend and new writer. My biggest fear was what could I contribute to her, with only one book under my belt…I am still in the learn stages myself. Long story short, we had such a fun time talking about our experiences in writing and the next steps to accomplice our writing goals. Jami, people like you and my other author friends make the road to writing a lot smoother for many of us NEWBIES. I Love that you care to help and I am thankful for your wisdom.
Hi Lana,
Aww, thank you! And that’s awesome that you were able to help support another writer too. 🙂
Sometimes when we’re in the thick of learning, we don’t realize how far we’ve come until we come across someone even earlier in their learning curve. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
A post that’s completely justified, Jami. You have my support. Sadly, I don’t doubt you run into so many demanding people, but it still amazes given the level of your generosity. I’ve been the recipient many times and I thank you for each and every instance. Your sheets are a gold mine. I can’t imagine demanding more.
The takers abound and they aren’t restricted to any genre. I’ve had many on FB and Twitter hound me to read their posts or buy their books. I’ve run into others elsewhere who believe as a writer I should beta read for them, but they’re too busy to do the same. Nice try. No thanks.
I could do better, though I’ve done a fair amount of unreciprocated favors as many, like you, have done for me. Sadly, the takers seem to multiply like those on Twitter who auto send an ad the instant I return a follow. Is it so difficult to understand that fellow writers are, literally, fellow writers and not servants or a captive audience?
Hi Christina,
Aww, thank you so much! *blush* I love giving and helping and sharing, and while I don’t expect anything in return, the appreciation of people like you makes it all worth it. I’m so honored for the opportunity to help you in your journey. 🙂
You’re right that takers are everywhere, but we can hope they’ll sink back into the corners they emerged from when everyone ignores them. 🙂 Luckily, the good people far outweigh the bad. Thank you for being one of the good ones!
I get what you’re saying your post, Jami, but I guess my writer path has obstacles yours don’t, or at least you can better deal with them. I think at times I’ve been a taker without realizing at the time, but looking back, I see the signs from reading this post. It might go back your recent post on learning curves, where you feel you’ve nothing to offer, esp. when you need help far more than those you’re turning to for help. Or at least the help they need is beyond your current ability/skillset to help with. For example, I try to give alternate (and I hope not rude) opinions that coincide what you share with us, and putting more of a human face to an often overly pragmatic/academic ways not everyone can access. As much as you and other writers say we can always offer something no matter how “new” we are to the writing world, sometimes it’s not that simple to know what that is for us. A lot of suggestions I get don’t work for either my life at this time, or my skillset, or even living in the same town so I could “babysit kids” of parents/writers of which I know many (I rarely meet single authors or any close to my age who aren’t “megastars” themselves) and throughout my 10 YEARS on this journey, that’s still a pain point for me. But that has nothing to do with you. I’m just being honest about where… — Read More »
Hi Taurean, Everyone’s writer path is different, so yes, we’re all going to have different obstacles. I don’t consider you a taker–at least not from me. Just because people are at different points in the learning curve doesn’t make the one less far along a “taker.” You push me to think beyond my experiences, and I appreciate that! That’s your way of giving back here, and it’s made me a better blogger (and person). 🙂 So I know I’ve said it before, but thank you! The only thing that bothers me in the slightest about your comments here is the repetition of issues, but I understand that many obstacles for you aren’t going away, and I understand your frustration. So if anything, I get frustrated because I wish I could fix things for you. 🙂 As someone who’s been feeling on the verge of burnout after 2015, I certainly understand the frustration of not being able to do it all as well. And it is even harder when we can’t see an end or a way out. Like, I seriously wonder if it’ll even be possible for me to ever again not feel so far behind that if I stopped to think about it, I’d want to cry. So when I think of your bigger obstacles, I can only imagine how frustrating the situation must be, but I understand that it’s a LOT. :/ Admitting and not being blind to that disheartening level of frustration doesn’t mean you’re weak. I… — Read More »
Thanks for replying, Jami, I tried hard to avoid too much repetition to what I’ve said before-but I guess some of it slipped in. Sorry to sound like an annoying broken record on that point. I have slowed down. That’s what 2015 made me do. But I can’t escape all publishing-related things. I already sold “Gabriel”, and I don’t want to go back to my editor and say, “I have to bow out”, esp. when I’d have to pay for the editing help I got from her, so that’s an issue I don’t know how to resolve. Another thing is I don’t know what my “B” is. That said, I’m relieved that my frustrations with publishing, and putting “fun” back in my writing process, doesn’t mean I was kidding myself, or that I didn’t want this enough to persevere, or that I was totally weak here. Even though it’s frustrating me now, I learned a lot about myself, and how publishing works. I have much greater respect for authors who go through all this (or WORSE) and still succeed in some way. I’m glad you found your way, Jami, and while you may not have had the financial struggles I do (in terms meeting certain milestones) you worked HARD for what you have now. You’re still working hard. Being your own publisher and all. I am working toward some of things you touched on: Studying for taking the GED, AGAIN, as much as I hate that test, esp. now it’s… — Read More »
Hi Taurean, Yep, ramen noodles, PB&J, and mac’n’cheese. Been there (recently), done that. (Luckily, I like the latter two. LOL!) But these struggles are definitely not your fault or something that should make you feel weak. As you said, this isn’t about being lazy–just really overwhelmed. Okay, so the main issue with Gabriel is money for an illustrator/cover artist, correct? Could you put all other thoughts of publishing stuff away and most of the worry about Gabriel off to the side? Then focus on the education, job, whatever, and it’s just that any money you save up will be for that illustrator/artist? (Or maybe half for that and half for GED?) That way you’re not bowing out, just narrowing your focus to one step at a time. It’s the same thing I’m talking about with the life stuff. Rather than thinking about “publishing Gabriel,” you narrow down to something you can make progress on: “saving up money for illustrator/artist.” Maybe that’s only $1 this month (and next), but a dollar is still progress. Maybe the month after that will be $5 or more. (Maybe crowdfunding or a Patreon account would help too? Or even just a Donation PayPal button on your site?) So all I’m saying is to figure out the life stuff that needs to happen and work backward to identify the steps for each of those until you get to a step you can do without a gating item in the way. Maybe that’s only looking up what… — Read More »
Thanks for replying, Jami, and for seeing my issues not being about or unwilling to sacrifice or “Make the investment.” Well, I’m glad the “30” thing isn’t the big deal it’s often made out to be. I kind of knew that, but it’s nice to have someone beyond that threshold (who I’m not related to since there can family bias) to tell me so. I just thought I’d be a little further along by this point. While some people accomplished a lot before then, there’s no shame in taking longer. It’s the stuff with my grandmother I mentioned elsewhere accelerates my concern with these delayed milestones, esp. on the financial front. Otherwise, It wouldn’t bother me as much, you know? I’m (slowly) starting to be okay with taking longer to do things. Again, I learned the “Life is short” lesson WAY. TOO. WELL. I didn’t take into account the struggles I’m facing getting in the way of embracing that saying when my current circumstances have lessened. I do have a book on studying for the GED, but since my grandmother bought it for me before the test got harder, it may not cover the new stuff the test added. Last time I took it (Again, before the test got harder) with the skills I had, and didn’t pass, and now that the test is harder, I need help because studying on my own is too stressful. I recently found out I have access to low cost (or possibly) free tutoring… — Read More »
Hi Taurean, I understand how you thought you’d be further along by 30. I felt the same way and was pretty upset as the days counted down. In fact, I bemoaned how my life was over. Really. 🙂 I’d messed up a bunch of my adult-ish major life goals (i.e., I was a failure) and thought it’d be all downhill from there. So yeah, I can relate. (Spoiler alert: I was very wrong about my life being over. LOL!) In many ways, my 20s were a lost decade, and my 30s were really the beginning of me becoming an adult. I know failures are frustrating, but that really doesn’t have to be the end of the story for us. Trust me on that. 😉 I know you know all that, but as you said, sometimes it helps to hear it again from a different source. And I know the situation with your grandmother adds a ticking clock to your situation, which is why prioritizing the “life stuff” is probably the right call for you at this time. I hope your tutoring works out for you! And with the library situation, I’m not thinking just of titles but of access to online resources. Some systems in my area include access to academic, business, career/job search, reference, periodical/magazine, science research, etc. databases, as well as to online classes, student resources, etc. (I’m thinking of resources like “LearningExpress Library,” which has online ebooks, tutorials, and videos on many classes, including the GED. Or… — Read More »
Oh yes. I’ve had to stop myself from helping takers. I need time for *my* work. I try very hard to be a giver and a sharer!
I love it when people ask “Can you fix my kindle?” Um…no.
Hi Laurie,
Uh…that’s a new request I haven’t heard before. LOL! Thanks for sharing!
Another good post. Thank you for saying this. It also needs to be said in other areas where people expect you to do the work for them besides with writing. I appreciate your willingness to be frank in topics that need to be brought up.
I’ve learned a lot from your blog posts. Thank you for being so generous to share your knowledge with everyone. I’m trying to figure out what I can contribute to the writing community that isn’t being done by everyone else. I have a few ideas, things that I’ve noticed missing from most blogs or web sites.
Hi Maurine,
Yes, unfortunately, takers can exist anywhere: friends, family, coworkers, significant others, etc. In some situations, the expectations can be downright abusive.
Oh, very cool! I hope you’ll let me know when you try out your ideas. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
Hi Jami,
Time is precious to me and so is your blog. I read it every time there is a new post. I appreciate all you do to help newbie writers like me improve our craft. I wouldn’t be where I am without your advice and experience. Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge with the world. You are a Giver!
I just un-followed so many people on Wattpad because they are not givers, and I am tired of wasting my time with people who do not believe in “paying it forward.” I was gullible and got taken advantage of a lot, but not anymore. I shared this post on Twitter, Facebook, and Wattpad because it expresses exactly how I feel about takers. Bye- bye Takers!
Thanks again for everything you do!
Hi Elle,
Aww, thank you so much for the kind words. *hugs* And thank you for sharing this post in your circles!
Hmm. Interesting. You talk about people being takers and not giving. Well, how about when someone visits your blog and leaves a comment. That makes them a giver, right?
But then the blogger can’t be bothered to visit the commentor’s blog and leave a comment in return. That makes them a taker, right?
So, in essence, the person who blogs and doesn’t return the common courtesy of a return comment is a taker and doesn’t follow the etiquette of blogging.
Just sayin’
Thank you Gloria for such a spot on example of how “takers” behave.
Expecting someone to go to your site and post a comment when you were not required to post here is such a fantastic illustration of entitlement.
I am in awe of your skills. 🙂
Hi Gloria,
I can see why it would be frustrating if you continually left comments on a blog but didn’t get comments in return, but the reality is that with a blog the size of Jami’s, commenting on every visitor’s blog in return is impossible. Literally all Jami would be doing each day is commenting on blogs, not creating new writing worksheets for people (free), not offering her stellar advice (hard won through much study and practice) or to actually have time to write.
It is unfortunate, but once you reach a certain point with blogs or social media, you have to make a hard choice about time. Do you spend hours each day thanking every person who retweets you, or spend that time curating strong articles and links you know your audience will enjoy? Likewise, would you rather benefit from Jami’s wisdom through all she offers readers, or get blog comments? I know which I’ll choose.
Not at all. The blogger isn’t forcing the commenter to hand over a comment. The commenter’s offering it. The blogger is accepting it.
“By force or artifice” is part of the definition of “to take”, so you had to play some logical fallacy and brainwashing games to even make that statement I quoted.
Shame on you.
The only “etiquette of blogging” is that nobody owes anybody diddly-squat, so you’ve redefined that, too.
Do some folks follow a policy of commenting on the blogs of folks who comment on their own? Yes. But that’s the bloggers’ choices to have and follow that policy. The commenters aren’t owed it.
Hi Gloria, So here I am, having to interrupt my schedule of preparing tomorrow’s blog post to address your comment before a pile-on begins–which I don’t want to happen. 🙂 Time is limited, and that means every minute I spend doing A results in me not being able to do B. And on a night when I have to do a blog post, that means “B” is sleep, and I probably won’t get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight. Again. *sigh* Let me start off by saying that I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt because one of the other two comments you’ve made here on my blog bemoaned the fact that people don’t appreciate things enough when they’re free. How true that is. 🙂 So I’m going to assume that you didn’t intend to imply that my 1,000,000 words on my posts (literally–I did the math), 10,000+ comments I’ve replied to here (where the conversation is continued, rather than moving the conversation elsewhere to meet an unspoken, illogical expectation), 13 writing tools and worksheets (each of which take 1-3 days to create), etc. were “equalized” by a couple-paragraph-long comment and that I thus now “owe” even more. I’m going to assume that’s not what you meant to imply because…logic. Especially as that’s not how giving works, as giving shouldn’t come with expectations. Instead, as part of the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume this comment was a poorly worded way of asking a… — Read More »
Some people are just takers, with no concept of giving back. Its a shame that those few sometimes ruin good things for others.
I have read and made use of some of your “free” advice and tips, and I am much appreciative of those times. You are right, this is a community, and exchanges are very helpful.
Let me just say thanks for all the ‘taking’ I’ve accessed. And, if there is ever anything I can do in return (host a blog tour or something), just contact me 🙂
Hi Dolorah,
It is a shame, which is why I don’t want to stop giving altogether, as that punishes the wrong people. I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing and not worry about the takers. 🙂
And thank you so much for the offer! 🙂 Just knowing that we have others around us for support helps immensely. Thank you for stopping by!
Great post! I love and appreciate your blog very much!
I’m tired just reading all that you do in a week. Whew. 🙂
Hi Kim,
LOL! Yeah, I’m tired too. 😉 Thanks so much for the kind words!
I have to say, I’m stunned that anyone would give you attitude. With everything you do help people, I’m genuinely incredulous that anyone would have cause for complaint.
I haven’t done much myself in the way of giving. I’ve been a beta reader for my best friend and if I’m on the NaNo boards I try to offer some input in the Reference Desk. So far that’s the extent of my giving!
I swear some people are allergic to search engines. My mother received a suspicious letter telling her she’d won on a lottery. She sat on it for two days, worrying whether or not it was genuine and then rang me to see if it was a scam. I told her the first thing she should have done was Google it and in the end I did it myself and emailed her the link. It drives me nuts and it must be so much more frustrating for you, especially when you’ve also gone to the trouble of adding detailed tags to your posts!
Hi Lara,
Eh, for some people, whatever we do will never be enough. *shrug* That’s their issue, and we don’t have to make it ours.
LOL! at your mother–or should that be *wince*? 😉 I made sure to teach my parents about snopes.com as soon as they started spending any time on the internet, so I understand.
Yes, I have tags on all my posts, I have the “For Writers: Tips & Advice” box in the side bar (which gathers posts into several “big picture” tags for different phases of our journey), and I have the search box. So I try to make my content accessible several different ways.
And those activities sound like a great start for being involved with the community. We’re always going to feel like we should do more (that even happens to me), but you’ve at least started doing. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!