Tell Me When: Real-Life Stalking Isn’t Sexy
I’m going to tell you a story in today’s post, but I first want to provide some context, as the topic is out of the norm for me. This post is part of Stina Lindenblatt’s Tell Me When blog hop. Her debut releases January 20th from Carina Press, and as Stina mentions on her blog, Tell Me When is about “a college freshman who struggles with the aftermath of being stalked and kidnapped during her senior year of high school.”
In light of that premise, Stina’s focusing her release around raising awareness of the issues and dangers of stalking. Stina’s a friend of mine so I knew I wanted to support her debut, but I also support the idea behind her blog-hop focus.
Stalking in Fiction
From Twilight on down, many, many Young Adult, New Adult, and adult stories contain the subtext that stalking behavior (usually from the romance hero) is sexy. In Twilight, Edward breaks into Bella’s room and watches her sleep. In an adult (non-paranormal) romance heavily discussed on Twitter last week, the hero breaks into the heroine’s home and wakes her for sex, and this goes on for almost a year without them even exchanging names.
The pretext of fiction—that we know the author has a plan—can allow us to see such behavior as sexy. Following the heroine around? His obsession shows how much he wants to keep her safe. Tracking her phone? His invasion of privacy shows how much he worries about her. Forcing himself into her life? His controlling behavior shows how much he loves her.
In fiction, we can close the book. Some readers will sigh and think the hero must really love the heroine to do all that stuff. Other readers—readers who have had a real-life stalker—might not see that behavior as sexy at all…
A Story of a Romance Hero Wanna-Be
Once upon a time, a woman was facing trouble at home and a stalker at work, and she wanted nothing more than to escape. When the promise of a better life beckoned from across the country, she took the chance and settled in a place where no one knew her and she could get a fresh start.
At first, all seemed brighter. New apartment, new job, new friends. Then her stalker from her old job tracked her down.
In tears, she poured out her story to one of her new friends at work. The man who shared her friend’s office overheard every word. He came over and introduced himself. “I’m the security supervisor here. I’ll make sure he can’t get to you.”
Grateful, she handed over all the information she had. She didn’t know if the man contacted her old stalker or not, but the stalker didn’t call again. Maybe things would work out after all.
Then flowers showed up at her work. Flowers that weren’t signed except for a bizarre note that struck her as a reference to “Peeping Tom” type behavior.
A mantra started in her head. She wouldn’t freak out. She wouldn’t freak out. She couldn’t afford to lose this new job or move again.
Could that security supervisor do anything? It was just flowers after all. Feeling foolish, she called the security supervisor and expressed her concern.
He confessed that he’d sent the flowers. The signature was supposed to be a pun on his name. He thought he was being charming.
A wave of cold stiffened her muscles, and she stood, silent, the phone hanging loosely in her hand. The flowers and the signature card on her desk mocked her with their innocence, yet it all still felt ominous no matter the explanation.
Over the next few weeks, the calls to her cellphone started. The security supervisor called “just to make sure she was okay.” He’d call when he was in the area to “check if she needed anything.”
All perfectly normal and caring, right? The stuff of romance heroes everywhere. How could she say she didn’t want his attention when he was only keeping an eye out for her?
Then the frequency of calls escalated. He’d call her late at night “so her voice was the last thing he heard before going to bed.” Ditto for the early morning calls.
Maybe he was trying to be sweet. Plenty of women would swoon over such declarations. No matter that she told him she wasn’t interested or that his attention wasn’t wanted, he acted like he thought it was just a matter of time until she changed her mind.
Suspicions grew in her mind that her “protector” from her previous stalker had turned into a stalker himself. Despite her fears, she was reluctant go to his boss. Her job required her to beg favors from his boss on a near-daily basis, and if she caused trouble, his boss might put her requests at the bottom of the pile and then she’d lose her job.
She couldn’t go to anyone else at work either. After all, he was Security.
It was easier to tell herself that he was harmless. That he did fancy himself a hero out to protect her. Even though she’d made it clear she wasn’t interested. Even though she’d made him repeat her protests back to ensure he was listening to her. And even though she wasn’t reporting him only because she was intimidated and scared of the repercussions.
One evening a severe illness left her dead asleep in her apartment. She didn’t answer when he called that night.
She woke in the middle of night with him at her bedside, “checking on her.” He’d talked her apartment’s security office into letting him into her apartment. And now she was too sick to make him leave.
A caring friend? Or a stalker who used every excuse to go over the line?
Real-Life vs. Fiction
I won’t tell you how the story ends because I’m making a point. If we were to read that story as fiction, we could easily see the man as a romance hero: caring, protective, willing to do anything for the object of his obsession. We’d trust the author would make everything work out in the end.
Maybe the heroine would have it out with him for freaking her out so badly. He’d grovel his apologies and declare his love once more. And then she’d see him for the great guy he was and they’d live happily ever after. The End.
But real life isn’t fiction. If we read that story as a real-life event, we see a man who purposely made someone uncomfortable, became demanding of her time and attention, manipulated his way into the apartment of a helpless woman—and there’s no promise of a happy ending.
It feels threatening because it is threatening. And her vulnerability at the end of the story only makes the situation worse.
Overcoming the “Stalking Is Sexy” Myth
As an author, I feel I have a responsibility to ensure that when the heroes I write about engage in questionable behavior, I make it very clear how the heroine feels about it. I don’t want to perpetuate the “stalking is sexy” myth.
If the heroine doesn’t want (on a conscious or subtextual subconscious level) the attention, the hero is a stalker, and some readers will be turned off or triggered. On the other hand, if the heroine is fine with the behavior, or if the reader can tell the heroine is into him and the heroine calls him out on the behavior at some point, the reader can trust in that happy ending without feeling squicky.
In real life, we have to pay attention to that wanted vs. unwanted line even closer. Yet popular culture encourages us to “go for what we want,” too often regardless of whether our actions infringe on what others want. No doubt this can be a tricky issue to navigate, especially when young and inexperienced.
So when the opportunity presents itself, like with this blog hop, I bring up the difference between fiction and real life. Just as much as real-life “bad boys” aren’t waiting to be “redeemed by the right woman’s love,” real-life stalkers aren’t romantic. They’re creepy. What’s acceptable behavior in stories does not match what’s acceptable in real life.
In the words of the heroine from my story Pure Sacrifice, “Unwanted or obsessive attention is stalking. It’s harassment and intimidation.” Raising awareness of these truths online and in real-life conversations might help.
And yes, we should have these conversations about acceptable behavior and the differences between fiction and real life with males and females. Unwanted attention can go either way, and either way is wrong. And definitely not sexy.
P.S. That story wasn’t fiction.
P.P.S. Be sure to check out the other posts on Stina Lindenblatt’s blog hop for her debut release Tell Me When. Participants are sharing not only their stories, but also tips and advice for dealing with stalkers.
P.P.P.S. If you haven’t answered my poll questions about your ebook buying and reading habits, please check out that post.
Have you read books that perpetuate the “stalking is sexy” myth? Do they bother you or are you able to read them as pure fiction? Do you think authors should be careful of the impression they give readers in this regard? What else could authors do to prevent continuing that myth? Do you have a stalking story or advice you’d like to share?
Pin It
Holy cow–how awful that he used job title and access to personal information to thrust himself into another’s life like that. And showing up at the bedside. OMG, I would be freaking out. Once I was well I would be having a serious discussion with the apartment manager. So very sorry this happened–thank you for sharing this Jami. I really like how you illustrate how often stalking is sexy is used in fiction, and how wrong it is to do so.
Angela
Hi Angela,
Yep, yep, and yep. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your bravery in your blog-hop post yesterday so I felt encouraged to explore this topic. As I alluded to at the end of my post, one of my stories involves stalking, and one of my proudest moments when writing that was when the heroine calls him on his b.s. up, down, and sideways. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
Jami,
I think it’s brilliant that you’re posting on this subject. Stalking is NOT sexy. I’ve never been stalked and don’t know anyone personally that has been and I find the myth, “Stalking is Sexy” to be squicky, as you put it. Love that word, by the way!
I think women, teenage girls particularly, need to be aware of the dangers of stalking. Some women were raised to be polite and not to hurt people’s feelings, so they feel bad refusing their ‘stalker’s’ advances. I’ve tuaght my daughter that if she feels uncomfortable in the someone else’s presence (a man or even another teenage boy) she shouldn’t feel badly about letting them know they should back off. I’d rather her be curt than in danger.
I’m so glad you posted this.
Best wishes on a bright and happy new year!!!
Hugs,
Tamara
Hi Tamara,
Isn’t that a great word? 🙂
You’re absolutely right that good manners (letting someone down gently, being reluctant to say “no” or to get them in trouble, etc.) can lead to situations where people don’t speak up about just how uncomfortable they are. Good for you on having this conversation with your daughter! 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
Tamara, as Jami said, good for you talking about this with your daughter and empowering her in this regard. But if you have a son (Grandson/nephew/other juvenile male relative) I URGE you (speaking from my male perspective) to remember they face this problem, too.
It’s not always sexual or physically violent, but it’s real and no easier for them.
We already marginalize boys and men as it is, and that’s before we even GET to the issue of criminal, violent, and/or sexual acts. Stalking being one of those issues.
Well stated and unfortunately very true. Thank you for the reminder, Taurean!
Glad I kept an even keel here. I’m not a parent or teacher, but I’ve had experiences and know people who faced this issue and I just want parents to be careful
This is something I’ll be very sensitive to when I’m a parent, sons or daughters.
Of course! And as the day-to-day dealings with children can be overwhelming, reminders like this are never a bad idea. 🙂
Right, and I say it out of concern and empathy, not in judgement.
The thing is, sometimes people in real life interpret that kind of behavior as sweet or romantic, too. My sophomore year of college, I gave a vague smile and hello to a guy who was at the mailboxes of our dorm at the same time I was there. The next day, I received flowers from him–he’d obviously noticed from which mailbox I’d retrieved my mail. I was flattered, but unnerved and not interested. When he called a little while later, I tried to “let him down gently.” Big mistake. For the next three months, he called and approached me in person repeatedly. He memorized my class schedule and would wait outside my classes for me. His roommate was my RA’s boyfriend, and she repeatedly nagged me to go out with him, telling me he was “a nice guy.” I repeatedly told her I wasn’t interested. I repeatedly told HIM I wasn’t interested (after I got over the belief that I needed to let him down gently). He harassed me for my home address and telephone number so he could contact me over break. I told him no. I’d been at home for winter break for a few days when the first card and gift arrived. He’d gotten my home address from my RA, who had parent contact information for all the residents on her floor. Fortunately for me, my parents had moved just after the fall semester started, so the information was outdated. He had my address but not my… — Read More »
Hi Alison,
I’m so sorry that happened to you, and you’re exactly right that people can interpret the behavior as sweet or romantic in real life. And that can even be the person’s intention.
Not all stalkers go in with the intention to make someone uncomfortable. But it comes down to whether the attention is wanted or unwanted–at least in my mind. I’d be interested to hear if your stalking-and-harassment-prosecutor background gives you any other insights into where the line falls.
As you said, that type of behavior is disrespectful. It occurs when someone thinks that if they follow a script (“be the knight in shining armor against this threat,” “be the nice guy,” “be interested,” etc.), that they will “get” the girl/guy. That they, in fact, deserve the girl/guy.
But that script doesn’t take into account what the other person wants. Instead the script views the girl/guy as an objectified “prize.”
So when they’re pursued against all requests otherwise, their wishes are disrespected. They’re being expected to fulfill a role they don’t want, and it can suck when others tell them they’re overreacting or that they should “give it a chance.”
We’re allowed to feel that we don’t want to be a “prize” for someone else completing the expected script. We can choose to give someone a chance, but we shouldn’t be expected to. It’s not our responsibility to fulfill others’ expectations.
…Aaand there’s my rant for the morning–LOL! Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for the comment! *hugs*
After my experiences as a prosecutor, the line for me falls exactly where the victim says it does. Of course, that’s one of the inherent challenges in prosecuting these types of cases–what makes one person feel threatened, another might be able to laugh off. While some statutes are written to focus on the consequences of the conduct and whether a reasonable person would feel annoyed, threatened, etc., some are written to focus on the perpetrator’s intent, which makes it even harder. As you correctly pointed out, many harassers/stalkers believe their own intentions to be good.
I agree with everything you wrote in your response. Women are expected to put up with unwanted attention/conversations on public transit or even on the street, and are expected to react graciously, even gratefully, to protectiveness and constant attention from would-be or actual suitors. When we don’t, we’re told the problem lies with us and not with those who don’t respect our wishes or think they know better.
Hi Alison,
Exactly. I liked when John Scalzi discussed “creepers” at fan conventions because so much applies to how not to be a stalker in general. I especially love his points #2 & 4:
Those two points get to the core of the issue. The discomfort line is where the other person says it is. Period. And people don’t exist to fulfill the expectations of others’ scripts. Period.
Unfortunately, too many laws aren’t written to support people in these circumstances until physical harm is done. As creepy as the story I shared was, were any laws broken? Maybe, maybe not. But it was unwanted attention and stalking regardless. The lack of laws doesn’t make the behavior okay.
Thanks for sharing your insights (and letting me know I’m not off-base with this 😉 ). And thanks for the comment!
*shudders* If I woke up to find someone in my room like that… My brother’s in the apartment below me, so screaming bloody murder would probably result in something beyond neighbors calling the cops. (My brother has a nice collection of guns, and he’s a good shot. And my natural response in an emergency is calm, logical pragmatism.) That “stalking is sexy” meme bothers me, too. I’ve had a guy hover around me constantly when we were at the same place and assume I was his fiancée, even after I told him point-blank, “You should go talk to them.” He went to the same church I did. He meant well, too, and was entirely oblivious about how he was coming across, but I ultimately had to get some church authorities involved to ban him from speaking to me altogether. On my eventual to-do list is a story that inverts the stalker theme—where the guy thinks he’s being sexy, but the girl ignores his harassment because he’s not worth her time and she doesn’t want to accidentally kill him. She even ignores him getting handsy…until she ultimately snaps and puts him in the hospital. I have a WiP where the hero engages in stalker behavior, but there are a variety of factors involved that make it a satire of the meme even as it embodies it. (Guy shows up at her job, at her lunch, at her apartment, in her bedroom; makes assumptions about what she feels for him that don’t… — Read More »
Hi Carradee,
Exactly! During that Twitter conversation last week about the guy-breaking-in book, a few people mentioned that they’d be calling 911, but most were calling the book un-put-down-able crack.
No thanks. Especially as the book wasn’t paranormal, I couldn’t accept the basic premise as even slightly realistic or possible. That’s just not how most (all?) people would react to someone breaking in and coming to their bed in real life.
Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone with this myth bothering me. 🙂 And thanks for the comment!
I also have a different reaction to stalking behavior in paranormal stories–it seems… hm, I don’t know. More explainable/excusable, somehow? It’s something I’ve thought a lot about ever since I read Twilight and felt like I should’ve had a bigger problem with Edward sneaking into Bella’s bedroom than I did. I have such a hard time articulating, even to myself, why that is.
Hi Alison,
I know what you mean–especially as I write paranormal. 🙂
With paranormal stories, we might be able to explain away how someone got into the home. Maybe they just teleported there by accident. Maybe that wasn’t their intention. Maybe they’re not in control. It doesn’t have to mean that they literally broke in with any intentions at all.
Many paranormal stories also include the subtext of a “fated mate.” In those cases, we can feel that the characters are meant to be together (and that the world might actually be doomed if they don’t end up together), so we carry the idea that it really is only a matter of time until they both figure out that truth.
Those subtexts change our expectations of the story and our acceptance of the premise behind the story. In short, I think it’s normal to be more accepting of stalking, over-protective, or overly controlling type behaviors in paranormal stories. 🙂
That said, I still write my stories with as bright a line as possible because I don’t want to fall on those tropes as shortcuts or add to the myth. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
In paranormal, there can be non-human instincts that cause the stalker behavior, so there’s justifiable cause for it that isn’t the stalker being selfish. There can also be justifiable causes along the lines of, “Look, I’m sorry you don’t want me in your kitchen, but I’m the only reason that demon in your garage hasn’t eaten you yet. I’d love to leave as you ask, but I can’t in good conscience do so when that’ll get you eaten…” &tc.
And if you set it up right, it’s far easier to set up accidental stalking in a paranormal, like someone accidentally teleports into a room they shouldn’t be in.
Hi Carradee,
Exactly! The paranormal character can legitimately know more about the threats than the human character, and as you said, non-human instincts create different subtext as well. Thanks for chiming in with those great insights! 🙂
I finished that WiP with the stalker-ish hero, and to clarify—he assumes the heroine likes him less than she actually does, and the girl actually does freak out about some of his behavior. Most of it’s excused by her being in danger, though, which she finds out about before he shows up and he explains to her as soon as he gets a chance. He isn’t human, though, so while she—and a human coworker—go “Creepy!” over some things he does, the guy’s own mother goes “How sweet!”
Hi Carradee,
Interesting! Yes, the subtext there can make all the difference. Sounds like a cool read–thanks for sharing!
*shudders*
Wow Jami, that was powerful.
Stalking is no joke and should not be taken as lightly. Unfortunately, we help clients deal with online stalking all the time. That’s one service I’d be happy to not have to offer.
I know you’re aware, but for everyone else, one of the reasons my avatar is the back of my head is because I’ve had a couple of multi-year stalkers (a gal who wouldn’t get the hint & a guy who didn’t like being fired for cause) and don’t need the personal drama.
All the personal info available online is great for stalkers. People are way too lax about protecting their privacy. I see public stuff on Facebook that would be so easy for someone malicious to exploit.
Which reminds me, I need to list my Online Privacy class again soon.
-Jay
@jaytechdad
Hi Jay,
If your class had been listed, I would have linked to it as part of this post. 🙂 (If anyone is interested, keep an eye on WANA International’s class listing and follow Jay on Facebook or Twitter to hear when his Online Privacy class is listed next.)
Yes, there’s a reason I don’t give details about my family online. I don’t need the drama and I really don’t need to worry about the safety of my family. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
That’s why I use Widdercat and Mrs Widder whenever I mention them on my blog.
Hi Widdershins,
Yep, and those are great names too! 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
This post is brilliant, Jami.
Thanks to fiction (especially romances), too many people consider stalking to be romantic–until it happens to them. There’s nothing romantic about being stalked. As authors, we have the responsibility to show that there is definitely a line. Because if we don’t, a victim’s life is at risk. Because if we don’t, the victim and her friends and family will disregard what the stalker is doing as a harmless crush, and that could be a fatal mistake.
Hi Stina,
First, congratulations on your debut! 🙂
Yes, every book that blurs the line only pushes the myth deeper into society’s subconscious, which makes it difficult for people to take issues like this seriously. I appreciate that you’re using your release to raise awareness of this issue. Thanks for the comment!
That was great!!!!! I’ve never thought of stalking as “sexy” but then I’ve read a lot of Mary Higgins Clark’s books 🙂
It’s great that you’re bringing this up though. It can be easy to confuse real life with fiction.
Hi Jacinta,
Yes, if someone reads a lot of suspense books, they probably have a different reaction to stalking in fiction. LOL! Thanks for the great point and for the comment!
I was briefly stalked in university by an ex boyfriend (to be fair I was cowardly and dumped him by letter, but that’s because he was obsessive and 6ft 4″) and I didn’t find it anything other than terrifying. He got a friend to work out what computer room I was in by my IP address and waited outside for me, and followed me home a couple of times. I told him to sod off and thankfully he did, but I can’t imagine thinking of stalking as anything but icky. (That said, I did read Twitter and not think Edward’s behaviour odd. Maybe it was the suspension of disbelief required for the novel.)
Great post, thank you
Hi Amanda,
Yikes! I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’m glad it didn’t turn out worse.
Yes, as Carradee, Alison, and I discussed above, paranormal stories have different subtext and expectations for that “suspension of disbelief,” so it’s sometimes easier to accept odd behavior. Thanks for sharing your story and for the comment! *hugs*
It isn’t cowardly to dump a guy by e-mail/text/letter if you have a reason to be afraid of him, and obsessive partners should be at least worrisome even if they aren’t 6’4″. If anything, the fact that he then stalked you justifies your concern. Don’t feel bad for listening to your instinct and don’t let others make you feel bad either. A guy I dated blew up (by phone since he lived an hour away) over the fact I cancelled on a date and he was being verbally abusive (yelling, insults, no-one-will-even-be-your-FRIEND-if-you’re-this-horrible type statements) and resorting to emotional blackmail (he actually threatened to break up with me because he wasn’t going to stand for a flaky girlfriend who couldn’t put him first (you probably think I’m kidding, but it was ONE date I cancelled on, and I only cancelled because a family thing came up)). I broke up with him by text because I wasn’t about to call him back and let him attempt to belittle and guilt me again (I hung up after getting sick of being expected to just listen to his relentless tirade). My sister thought I was overreacting (up until then he had been really sweet – not stalker “sweet” but just kind and thoughtful it was unnerving when he turned out to be a psycho), but I wasn’t about to stick around to see if he’s physically abusive when mad in person. He never stalked me, luckily. Sure it is an unacceptable way to break… — Read More »
Hi Sam,
I agree. It’s not “nice” to break up with someone by text message or the like, but the culture of nice shouldn’t be more important than our spidey-sense. 🙂 Being nice and polite can get us into unsafe situations if we’re too focused on being nice to speak up. Thanks for sharing your insights and for the comment!
My own experience assures that I am never thinking “sexy” if the heroine sees any man watching her. I want to scream at her to run. When My male MC showed up at a second event the female MC was attending, I made sure he had a damn good reason for being there that had nothing to do with her (and that he was too busy to say more than hello). Otherwise, I couldn’t write it.
I am, however, okay with characters watching for other characters if they have a good and innocent reason. 🙂
Hi Robyn,
Yes, with all the comments here and on Twitter and throughout Stina’s blog hop, I’m really surprised more readers don’t avoid those types of stories. I suppose there’s an audience for all types of stories, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your perspective and for the comment! *hugs*
I was planning to include stalking in my novel, but now that I know what it really is in real life or in fiction, I don’t think it fits the characterization. It would involve a son who was given away for adoption looking for his birth mother and when he thinks he may have found her, he begins to ‘stalk’ her before he gets enough courage to meet her in person. Oh well, maybe it will work…he could send her cards or flowers?
Hi Pirkko,
I think your premise could still work because it sounds like a different kind of stalking from what we’re discussing here. With a mother-son, you’re not falsely trying to go for sexy (I assume). 🙂
Would those scenes be from his point of view or from his mother’s? Does she ever know she’s being stalked? If it’s from his POV, the reader will be understanding of his motivations. If she doesn’t ever realize he’s there, her reaction won’t trigger protectiveness or creepiness in the reader.
Stalking in fiction can be creepy, but like in the comments above with Carradee and Alison about paranormal stories, the subtext matters. Just as in paranormals, where the reader knows the stalker has darn good reasons for shadowing the other character (protect from a demon, etc.), the subtext in your premise could be a sympathetic, are-you-my-mommy kind of longing rather than a creepy, I’ll-make-you-love-me sort of longing. Does that make sense?
Good luck with it and thanks for the comment! 🙂
Pirkko, I agree in terms of storytelling, context is key to put the “stalking” in context. The characters could assume and be wrong, but the reader can know just enough to at least rule out the “Creep Factor” if its not intended, depending on POV and whether or not it switches in the story.
What you’re describing (I’m not adopted) sounds like me as a kid in general. I was shy around people, especially if they seemed aggressive, and highly extroverted and I’m more introverted (Yet among close friends, or online when I’m not on a video chat with direct eye contact I’ll talk your ear off. LOL.) so it can work.
On that note, Jami and Pirkko, it’s probably a good idea to avoid the approach in the movie “Loverboy”-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWAAShTxKhE
This is what I fear could happen when (Sane, well-meaning, non-abusive) helicopter parenting morphs and goes too far!
Hi Taurean,
Yikes to that movie trailer! Um, yeah, no. 🙂
Jami, I’m glad the creepy factor of that movie wasn’t just me.
I ‘m highly sensitive about things even if intellectually I know they’re meant to jokes or parody not to be taken seriously.
I haven’t seen the movie but I saw the trailers and I pray parents like that aren’t/won’t be the norm. The TV spots when it first came out on DVD were even creepier (Especially the Pay-Per-View ones!)
Hi Taurean,
I didn’t get a parody vibe from that trailer. Horror, maybe? Yeah, definitely not on my list to see. 🙂
That is a completely different scenario. You’re not trying to make the stalking sexy or appealing—from the mother’s side, it’ll still be creepy or odd if she notices it.
Your scenario actually reminds me of The Time Traveler’s Wife—their daughter inherited her father’s time-hopping ability, so she jumped back to observe some major meetings of her parents, to see her father, before they even knew she would exist. If I recall correctly, she only observed them in public, and she was discreet about it, but it’s been a while since I read the book or saw the movie. 🙂
Hi Carradee,
Great example! Yes, stalking can be seen as innocent as curiosity and information gathering. Context matters a great deal. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
First, THANKS for the warning this time! (Really) While I agree fiction can give dangerously mixed messages here, I also feel we’re not considering it goes both ways. This happens to boys and men, too. Not all abuse is either sex-driven or man-driven! (I know no one said that. I’m saying that for my personal sanity!) Also, stalking isn’t just a “Girls/Women” problem, boys/men face this, too. But (Despite issues like eating disorders for boys and men being on the rise, and occurring even YOUNGER than their girls and women counterparts) there are frankly more open and safe places to talk about it that are just for girls and women, and I truly believe if they were more places for boys and men to go to get sound advice and solace, there would be less confusion and real-life horror stories we hear about over and over. Society is not catching up to reality even close to fast enough in this regard, IMHO. At least in the U.S., I can’t speak to other countries. Also, on the subject of how stalking has varying degrees, there’s also something to be said for boys and men being stalked or unjustly assumed to being the monsters we hear about on the news. Regardless of creed and color, this is a PROBLEM. I don’t want to sound insensitive to girls and women in general, or parents in particular, but I do feel we too often categorize men as the “stalkers” like women are INCAPABLE of… — Read More »
Hi Taurean, I hope you’re able to read this post in full because you’ll note that I do point out in the post (see my last paragraph before all the P.S.’s) and in the comments above (where I talk about how both guys and girls can be objectified “prizes”) that this is not limited to a male-stalkers-only problem. I mostly concentrated on male stalkers in the post because of my focus on stalking in fiction. Honestly, I’d guess fiction is more male-stalkers-only than real life is. But I absolutely agree with you that unwanted attention can go in either direction. (In fact, I know a family dealing with this issue. A very forward high school girl won’t leave their very shy–and sheltered by choice–high school son alone. That behavior is equally not okay.) The point you and the video make about males having to be careful to avoid situations where the (unfortunately) first instinct is to assume they’re being creepy is a good-yet-sad one. How can we as a society expect men to be caring about children if the first thought when seeing a crying child with an adult male is that the adult must be doing something wrong–and potentially illegal. *sigh* I wish I had answers for that situation, but I don’t. I can encourage the young males I know to grow in a supportive, healthy environment, and I can write stories that reflect the importance of fathers. And as I did with this post, I can point out… — Read More »
Yes, I did the last bits you cited in your post, and I know you agree with me, I just wanted share my stance, especially since the majority of romance readers are women (At least who publically admit to reading and enjoying romance, which is a whole other topic as you know) a male perspective would be helpful.
Hi Taurean,
Absolutely! And it doesn’t hurt to point out how it’s not a gender-limited problem more than once, so thank you for sharing your perspective! 🙂
Okay, just adding this to my playlist of things to talk to my tweenage daughter about on the way to school in the morning. I like one poster’s words that bring curt could spare her from future danger.
I’ve hated the idea that stalking is sexy in fiction. It’s awful and really set the whole feminism movement into retrograde. It’s like, this is it? We’ve come this far? We’ve got nothing better to offer women than this worn-out, sick, fairy-tale fantasy? And yes, I am troubled to see it so much in YA novels (if not outright in the plot, then implied through either the hero or the villain). It spurs me to take greater care with my female leads and how I build the plot around them (and not strapping tropes like that to their ankles and weighing them down).
Hi Copper,
Good for you in talking to your daughter about this issue! Yes, I write paranormal romance and often think of them as modern fairy tales–emphasis on the modern. 🙂
For me, it’s not just about the weakness of the female characters that I don’t like, or even the negative portrayal of the male characters. I’m a huge fan of healthy love, and I can’t believe in a romance story’s happily ever after if the relationship isn’t healthy.
Romances based on disrespect and ignoring the other’s wishes don’t strike me as healthy. So I strive to write relationships that I can believe in, through thick and thin. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
You should add Jane Austen’s “Mansfield Park” to that playlist 😉 The book is about a young girl who keeps imagening things about people to make life as exciting as in books and how she learns the differences between fiction and real life.
Are you thinking of “Northanger Abbey” perhaps? As I recall, there’s a guy in that who doesn’t respect the heroine’s boundaries – needless to say, he is a Dirty Rotten Scoundrel.
Writers are powerful. When people read our stuff they interpret it, no matter if we meant it just to be silly.
Authors have a responsibility to think about the signals they’re sending. I’m so glad you took the time to write this post as I think it is much overdue and I’ll have to figure out how to reblog it because this is so important. Assholes, stalkers, overprotective guys and control freaks are NOT sexy. A no is a no and you can be persistent in your pursuit of love without crossing the line.
I’ll totally have to check out your friends book – it sounds like it’s going to be one hell of an interesting read!
Just like with stalkers I think authors should think about the way they use stereotypes and token characters. There’s not a lot of colored heroes out there, though I think actors like Will Smith are doing a great job of changing that.
Hi Gry,
Absolutely! I’ve talked before about how our writing can accidentally create unintended themes, and this is a similar problem. We can create themes, character statements, worldview statements, etc. Sometimes without realizing it.
But that’s one reason why our revisions need to include a “purposeful” aspect. We can ensure the details, the cause/effect, and the insights provided are all purposeful for what we’re trying to say. And as always, beta readers are invaluable for telling us about these unintended elements. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
[…] Tell Me When: Real-Life Stalking Isn’t Sexy. […]
I wish I knew how that story ended. 🙁 So many stories like that end with rape or murder. I hope nothing worse than him being creepy and coming over happened. I hope he left and she was able to finally get him out of her life. That is just awful.
I’ve been stalked before. It’s scary.
It’s scary to have a guy friend tell you “Hey, did you know that X followed you home yesterday? I saw him following you so I followed him to make sure nothing happened and after you went in the house I let him know that I caught him I’m gonna call the cops if he ever does it again.” It’s scary to have someone blow your phone up with call after call after text after text no matter how much you tell them you aren’t interested and would like them to stop contacting you.
I hate books like Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray (I like to call them Twatlight and 50 Shades of Wrong) because they glorify abusive relationships and questionable behavior. They convince impressionable young girls that behavior that shows how likely a guy is to murder you somehow ACTUALLY shows how likely it is that he loves you. Sorry, but no. Nothing good ever came of that level of obsession. Those kind of behaviors are dangerous and I think the books that advocate that kind of behavior as romantic and desirable are dangerous too.
Hi Willow,
I don’t want you to worry, so I will say that story ended less bad than it could have. I’m sorry you’ve been stalked as well, and I’m glad you had support for when it happened.
For me, Twilight at least has the veneer of paranormal, which can change the subtext slightly, as I mentioned in some of the other comments. FSoG doesn’t even have that and the behavior is even worse. When I first encountered FSoG, I was upset by the publishing-fanfic aspect. After I learned more about the story itself, my dislike increased and focused more on the abuse aspect.
As you said, the books glorify those kinds of behaviors and relationships, which is an awful lesson for those who might not know better or who might be influenced by media. Even worse are all the articles TO MEN saying how they need to be more like Christian Grey because that’s what women want. *shudders*
Thank you for the understanding and support–and the comment! 🙂