Are You Waiting for Permission?
This past week has been a good news / bad news / good news sort of week. The conflicting emotions have been *ahem* good for making me question my strategies (yet again).
On the good news side, I received the scores from my last contest, The Emily. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I’m calling myself done with unpublished contesting. After 3 wins and 6 other finals for Treasured Claim, I’ve gotten everything from the experience I could. The good news? My Emily score was 99%.
On the bad news side, The Emily was extremely competitive in my category this year. In fact, to final, an entry needed to have a score of 99.5% or higher. Yep, the bad news? I didn’t final in my last contest despite my score of 99%. *insert your favorite expletive here*
Back on the good news side, my good friend Buffy Armstrong did receive a 99.5% and did final! And since I helped her with editing and discussed openings for her story several months ago, I’m doubly happy for her. Yay!
My biggest disappointment was not getting my work in front of the final judge, an agent I respect. As I’ve bemoaned many times, I have a terrible track record with my queries, so I’d been using contests to try to circumvent the query process. But now that I’m calling myself done with contests, I find myself at a crossroads.
We Don’t Need Permission for Our Dreams
For a long time, I’ve held off querying my “dream” agent because I wanted some positive results before striking out with a method that doesn’t work for me. In addition to contesting, I tweaked my query with oodles of help from friends and readers. And then…
I dithered. I rationalized. I stressed.
It finally dawned on me that I was essentially waiting for permission to believe that my query was the best I could make it. “If only abc would happen, I’ll know it’s good enough to send to my dream agent.”
Ugh. How is that any different from waiting for external permission for anything else?
Answer: It’s not.
We shouldn’t wait for permission to call ourselves a writer. (If we write, we’re a writer—nothing “aspiring” about it.) We shouldn’t wait for permission to take our writing seriously. We shouldn’t wait for permission to make progress toward our goals.
In short, we shouldn’t wait for external permission for our internal dreams. Yes, it’s nice to have encouragement from others or validation that we’re “good enough,” but too often we let that “nice to have” aspect hold us back.
Perfectionism Rears Its Head—Again
I’ve been suffering from that permission problem for a while, especially with the validation aspect. What was it going to take to convince me that my query, my writing, my story was “good enough”?
Seriously, self, what am I waiting for? I mean—not to brag—but 3 contest wins and 6 additional finals? I’ve received more perfect scores than I can remember, and I have a list of judges (including two from The Emily) who have given me their names so I can tell them when Treasured Claim is published. This story deserves to progress toward publication, not be held back because of “well, maybe I’ll wait until xyz.”
So how do we cut off the perfectionism holding us back until “one more thing” happens? How do we stop the waiting game and move forward? How do we overcome these fears?
My Plan? Have a Plan
My perfectionism makes me so bad at this, but if someone else came to me with this problem, here’s the advice I’d give them: Create a plan for making progress—and then follow through with it.
Now I’m not recommending that people quit their jobs or negatively impact their families. However, we can usually find some way to make progress.
Maybe we’d join a critique group to improve our craft. Maybe we’d send out queries by the dozens or investigate self-publishing options. Maybe we’d start another story so all our hopes don’t hang on one possibility.
For me, I’m accepting that while this dream agent would be a “nice to have,” I also have plans for how to make progress if that’s a no-go. Yes, it might suck to hear “no,” but that answer doesn’t have power over my ability to move forward. If I don’t see this step as the end-all-be-all, I hope I won’t procrastinate about it anymore.
The recognition of my power to move forward doesn’t require permission from anyone else. This step is internal to me, and I have control over it. In other words, I’m not waiting for others.
So I’m putting this plan out there for accountability. *grin* In the next month (making allowances for crazy holiday schedules), I will query this dream agent, and I will be fine and continue making progress no matter what happens.
There. Done. *bites nails*
Do you ever feel you need permission to move forward? How do you overcome that issue? What causes your longing for external permission? Can you remove power from your fears by coming up with a plan? Do you have any advice for me?
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Have you read this piece? http://www.salon.com/2012/06/27/my_book_was_a_bad_idea/
I read it yesterday and was drawn to the very end, where she talks about how she now writes as a rebellion against the idea that external validation is the only thing that counts. I am a pleaser, and I struggle daily with the feeling that my writing will only matter if I can get an agent, get published and have something to show for it in the end: “See? I accomplished something!” Even though I know that I have always done it, even before I knew that writing was a THING, even before I really understood that you could write for a living or that you would even want to. But when you put so much of yourself into something, you feel like you need that external validation — yes, you were right to sink your time, money, effort, heart and soul into this. I have lost out on dream agents several times, and all I can say is, get up, brush yourself off and keep on going. It hurts, but it won’t kill you.
I am with you 100% on this one, Jami.
Hi Maryanne,
I think I read that article when it first came out, but thank you for directing me to it again. 🙂
The funny thing is that–in general–I don’t have a strong need for external validation. That’s mellowed with age and the internal strength to shrug off people who don’t see things the same way I do. LOL!
But you’re exactly right that as we stick with our dreams for longer, the time, money, and effort we put into those dreams starts feeling more like an investment that we need to “get” something out of–that accomplishment factor. Of course, I’ve now finished 7 stories (which is an accomplishment) and I’ve received all these accolades on this story (which is an accomplishment), so as you said, on some level, we’re already there.
So yes, I’m getting to the point where I shrug off this idea of an end-all-be-all mark of “it’s ready.” I haven’t been wasting my time while waiting (I’ve written 4 of those other stories since this one 🙂 ), but even that doesn’t feel like enough progress to me anymore. So yeah, it’s time. 🙂
Thanks for your support and your comment!
You could have been writing this whole post about me. I suffer from crippling self-doubt and non-existent self-esteem so just the thought of querying is enough to send me into a panic attack. I allowed the thought that I needed a reason to finish my series hold me back. I kept telling myself, ‘once I get an agent/publisher’ or ‘once the first one starts selling well I’ll write the next one’ and the most popular ‘no one cares so why should I.’ The problem is, I DO care and I cannot stop writing, but I did allow myself to get sidetracked (having kids does that too). I got sidetracked waiting for the validation that the book was good enough for me to continue with the series. It has seven five-star reviews and two four-star on Amazon and similar numbers on Goodreads. People have told me they love it. Yet, in my mind it was never enough. I’m still not sure what type of validation I was looking for, but I realized back in September that if I truly wanted to be a writer I had to stop. Stop looking for validation and just write. Write because I love to and because I love my characters. It’s not easy, especially on days when I feel like a leech, sitting here at home while my husband works 12-14 hour days. That’s when I go read a review and remind myself; I’m not the only person who loves these characters and they deserve… — Read More »
Hi Davonne,
Ugh. I’m so sorry. *hugs*
Exactly! Those reviews show that others do care, and it’s all too easy to turn that into “Well, not enough care.” *whaps hypothetical situation* No, if we love it and enjoy it, every validation is a bonus–not an end in itself. 🙂
This is the most powerful thing you said:
Yes. That. 🙂 Good luck to you and thanks for sharing your experience and for the comment!
Hi Jami, Okay, here it is: I give you permission! I think what you might want to do is make a list of 20 “dream” agents. Rank them and start sending your queries to five of the agents, one from near the top, one from the bottom and one from the middle. And see what happens. Spread the love and put yourself out there. Good luck, this is a tough stage but just jump in.
Hi Rachel,
LOL! Thanks for the permission. 🙂
To be honest, I have/had that list of top 20–just don’t ask how many are actually accepting queries or open to submissions. Not to mention that track record of query rejections might have eaten through many of them. So yeah, I’d let myself get to the point of thinking “this agent or bust!”
That’s another reason why I was putting this off. A rejection would mean having to face the big crossroad: Do I compromise on some of my agent “must have”s or do I strike forth without an agent?
That’s a big decision, so added to my perfection and permission/validation issues, I delayed with all these all wait-and-see events. *shrug* I’ll get there. I already feel better just for putting all this into words. 🙂 Thanks for the support and the comment!
Jami, I want you to go for it with your dream agent. (and others, of course) I want to hear all about what happens, how you felt when you hit “send” on your query, and what response you get.
I get great value out of your blog.
We are all in this together, which is so awesome!
I’ve already been rejected by my dream agent, with my first novel. She had asked for 30 pages when I met her at a conference, but she wrote back that she “just didn’t love it as much as she’d hoped.”
Of course, I was disappointed. Not crushed, just disappointed. But I fully intend to query her again with my second novel, currently in progress. And I am also open to the idea that there is another, even “dreamier” agent out there who I haven’t heard of yet!
Good luck! We, your audience, are rooting for you big time.
Hi Leslie,
Aww, thank you! 🙂
Good luck to you with your second novel–you have the right attitude and approach. 🙂 Thanks for the support and the comment!
Everyone is the same with waiting for permission and waiting until we’re good enough and waiting and waiting and waiting. I think it’s all tied up with our fear of rejection. So one plus about writing – I’m pretty immune to rejection (well amost, sobs in corner of room). But seriously I think I have become a little more resilient generally.
Hi Diana,
Yes, I’ve survived more rejections than I thought I could handle–and come out just fine on the other end. For me, it’s not even the rejection I fear, but the question that certain rejections trigger: Now what? 🙂
With many (most?) rejections, we move forward and send out to the next agent on our list. But with some of them (at least with me), we might allow ourselves thoughts of “Oh! And if this happens, we’ll be able to do xyz.” Then if our heart is set on xyz, we have to step back when the first step doesn’t happen. Is xyz what we really want? Can we still get there another way? Or should we aim for abc instead?
Yes, my brain is filled with all those questions ALL THE TIME. It’s rather crazy-making to be honest. LOL! But thanks for the support and the comment!
I’m going to start querying and sending out next year too (as soon as I figure out how to WRITE a query — yikes), so I’ll be crossing my fingers for you. I hope that I’m better at coping with rejection now than I was in my early 20s, when a couple of snotty rejections and one rude writing teacher put me off of writing anything for a long time. I guess next year is when I find out if I can handle it.
Hi Nicole,
There are lots of great resources for querying. The problem for me has always been trying to apply that knowledge to my story. 🙂
I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you too! 🙂 Good luck and thanks for the comment!
You should definitely start sending out queries. Go ahead and continue with the contest route if you wish, but I think you’ve proved your writing is good, so go for it. You’ve waited long enough.
BTW, there’s no such thing as a perfect query. I’ve read enough articles by agents to know that each agent looks for different things in a query. And what works for one can be a turn off for others. Unless your “dream agent” posts articles about what he/she likes in a query you’re never going to know what works for them. So just start sending those queries out into the world and see what happens. Maybe it will turn out that your dream agent is someone you don’t even know yet.
Hi ChemistKen,
Oh, I’ve definitely been sending out queries. It’s just this ONE agent that I’ve held back from. 🙂
You’re absolutely right about the “no perfect query.” I’ve gone through this agent’s client list and looked up their queries to see if I could find any commonality. Nada. They all have a great voice and sense of a story, but that’s a subjective detail. *shrug* I won’t know unless I try, right? 🙂
As far as other agents working for me…maybe. As I said, I’ve been querying with others, so it’s not that I’ve closed my eyes to other possibilities. 🙂 Thanks for the support and the comment!
I’m in the same boat. I have a story that I adore (at this point, I love it more than any of my others, and I love them all) and both of my CPs’ who have read it loved it, too. I have plans to submit it directly to a digital first publisher, to an editor I would love to work with.
I am now terrified to submit this story. What if it’s not as good as I (and my CPs) think it is? What if she rejects it? That would totally and completely suck, considering we follow each other on Twitter. What if she acquires it, but it gets horrible reviews?
I’m still in the final revision stages before submission, so I’m trying to muster as much courage as I can – and trying to detach myself from the story. I know I need to just suck it up and take a chance, but honestly, the thought of this story, this particular story, being rejected is making me balk at submitting it at all, and I’m having a hard time giving myself permission to fail (well, not fail, necessarily, but be rejected). And I pride myself on being fearless when it comes to submissions. Don’t like it? Okay, I’ll just move on to the next story.
Harder to do when you’re this invested. Grr.
Hi Amanda,
Exactly! I love my other stories just as much, but this one has the contest wins to mention in the query. This one has been through the tough revisions and editing already. Etc., etc. *sigh*
I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. Know that you’re not alone. *hugs* Thanks for the support and the comment!
Timely post, Jami. And I’ll tell you why. I published my first novel through a publisher, but without an agent. I have a lot invested in this book. I have some good reviews and have also been told by readers I know that they loved the book. But, I think I can do better. That’s why, having finished my second novel (a sequel to the first) I am in the process of looking for an agent. So, I put together what I think is a good query letter, but haven’t sent it out yet. What I did do, after much reading on the site, was send it to Query Shark. She is also an agent. Not sure if you are familiar with her, but she has a blog that you can send your query to and she will critique it. But not all queries get posted on her blog. But I’m hoping mine will. And there is a long wait list with no guarantee that your query will make it to the blog. So, here I am waiting to see. Problem is, how long do I wait? I’m at that stage where I want to satifaction of knowing that my query is ‘almost’ prefect, but that may be a moot point if there is no such thing. I’m not at the point where you are, in that, I have any ‘proven’ evidence of how good a writer I am. I think I am. I even took that leap of faith… — Read More »
Hi DC,
I often feel like I’ve learned more about what I don’t want–what kind of contracts, publishers, or agents–than what I do want. So yes, there are a lot of those “I can do better” thoughts in there too.
Does that mean I’m being too picky? I don’t think so. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what paths don’t meet our goals. 🙂
Yes, Query Shark is a great resource for what makes a good query. And honestly, I’ve had good feedback on my query from those who should know. But my luck is just not there with actual agents.
As for your question, ooo, I understand that issue well. You can certainly send your query out now. Personally (and people have different ideas about this), I’d send the query out to agents on your C list, those you wouldn’t mind but are lower on the scale. That way, you could see if you get nibbles or not before sending out to your A list.
On the other hand, waiting to see if your query shows up on QS isn’t wasting time as long as you’re doing other things to make progress and as long as you set yourself a deadline. <--Making that deadline is where I run into trouble. 🙂 In situations where we might never hear back, we have to cut ourselves off from the temptation to wait forever. In the meantime, you can make progress by ensuring your manuscript is fully revised and edited, you can have some beta readers check it for you, and you can start your next story. 🙂 So yes, there's no one right answer--as with most things in writing. LOL! Good luck no matter what you decide, and thanks for the comment!
Yes, I hate rejection. Yes, I am a Type A Perfectionist.
I have now completed my first step in the 12-Step program to recovery 🙂
I was thinking that perhaps I should groom some short stories for a contest or magazine publication while I’m waiting for an agent to snap up my novel (come June when it’s through edits and betas). I know it will be hard but publishing small or contest wins count as experience. Otherwise, I’m fresh out. Is this required? I don’t think so.
What struck me about your post is this: no writing is ever done. Most famous authors will admit they finally just had to STOP with revisions and send it out. We must give ourselves permission to “finish” a story, article, poem, novel or other project. Put it down. Send it out. Hide it in a drawer. Only you will know when it’s time to stop trying to “sell” a story.
Hi Sharon,
LOL! *standing right there next to you*
Ooo yes, great point about how writing is never “done”–especially to a perfectionist. 🙂 Not everyone will like our stories and not every agent will like our query, so the perfect story or query isn’t possible.
I think one thing that harmed me for a long time was a blog post I read early in the query process by someone who got an 80% request rate on their query. They bragged about that to the point that they said if you’re not getting that kind of response, there’s something wrong with your query. (And I think this post was on Writer’s Digest or Writer Unboxed or some other site that made me think that was a legitimate idea.)
*cue ripping of hair* 80%? I’m trying not to be 0%. *collapses in a puddle of self-doubt*
But… Maybe that was the case for his situation, his genre, his agent list. Plus, that was from 3 years ago. The industry has completely changed since then.
So I finally had to tell myself to stop measuring myself against that idea. My genre is a tough one to break into–I know this. Agents–especially those who aren’t new and hungry for clients–don’t think they’re looking for these stories anymore because they think they’ve seen it all already. Ditto for editors.
It is what it is, and I’m starting to be okay with that. 🙂 Thanks for the support and the comment!
I got so tired of waiting for agents to respond, for publishers to respond, then I got trad published and got tired of waiting for my pifilous pay (LOL). I worked with small presses for years, but when my publisher passed away this summer, I went totally indie. So yeah, please give yourself permission to move forward!
Reminds me of some Ann Landers advice from years ago. This man wrote in that he dreamed of being a dentist, but if he started over, he wouldn’t be finished until he was fifty something. She pointed out he was going to be fifty something anyway, so he might as well be heading toward what he wanted to do. 🙂
Hi Pauline,
Boy, do I hear you with your experience. If I was concentrating on this single story, I’d be feeling like this waiting was cheating it somehow. Luckily, I have a plan. This is all just me questioning my plan one more time. LOL!
Ooo, love that answer from Ann Landers. Yes, that idea somewhat plays into my plan as well. 🙂 Thanks for the support and the comment!
Oh my goodness Jami, as I read this I couldn’t help thinking what a tormenting process this querying business is. Yet, I know how writers like yourself have worked so hard to fulfill your dreams of grabbing the right agent’s attention and trad publish your work. This post makes me wonder if this process is worth all the rejection. We writers seem to struggle with enough self-worth issues without subjecting ourselves to more. With all the accolades that you’ve received from numerous sources, would it not behoove you to self-publish as you continue on your quest for the “perfect” agent. Some writers have been discovered by doing just that. I think after all your time and hard work you owe it to yourself. You know you would have plenty of support. It’s just a thought. I wish you all the best! 🙂
Hi Karen, In answer to your question, “Is the process worth all the rejection?” That depends. 🙂 If we write for an audience (rather than just ourselves), rejection is part of the deal. It might not be agents or editors, but it would be reviewers and unhappy readers. That’s just the subjective nature of art and fiction. I can think of plenty of movies that others liked that I didn’t, for example. So on some level, the query rejection process is a good growing experience. 🙂 Many reviewers suspect that authors who overreact to negative reviews are more likely to be self-published and to have avoided much of the query process. In other words, the suspicion is those authors never went through a skin-thickening process. I don’t have evidence one way or another to know if that’s true, but I can see their point. Most long-term authors have not only built up the thicker skin, but have also learned the professional thing to do is to avoid reading and/or to not respond to reviews. Self-published authors have to learn that professionalism without an agent or editor’s mentorship. All that said, whether or not something is worth it all depends on our goals. If a writer was “traditional publish or bust,” the process would be more worth it than to a writer who decided to send out a few queries to “just see if there was any interest” before self-publishing. For myself, I’ve had a plan in mind for years. Only… — Read More »
All self-doubt, pessimism, perfectionism and any other self-limiting, self-sabotaging, and self-defeating behaviors come from one place: your own brain… and, it is ALL based on “stories” written by a 5 yr. old, and forms your world view, which includes your core beliefs about who you think you are.
Change your story, change your life!! Are you ready to be reprogrammed??
Hi Frank,
I don’t disagree with you at all. 🙂 I know this is my internal issue and that I’m the only one who can rewrite those beliefs.
I’m getting there. This post is part of that growth, and obviously the insight I had to be able to write this post (recognizing what was holding me back) is part of that growth too. I’m taking steps on the path I need to be on, so give me a month or so. 😉
Thanks for the insight and the comment!
Yes! I’m so glad you’re making this step, because it IS a step, and it’s been one that you’ve feared. I’d also suggest you query 4 others too. Though my suggestion is to maybe NOT query that agent until the second wave? Send out 5-10 from a list and B list, and if you get NO bites, tweak your query, and send it out again, this time including your agent. If you do get bites on the first wave, send out the query to the dream one right away. But regardless, you also might be thinking this person’s your dream one, when actually, she might not. Don’t get hung up on having to get that person, or you’re done. A dream agent is only a dream agent if you’re also her dream client too. If your story/writing isn’t her cup of tea, then she won’t be your dream agent. Just my 2 cents. Email me if you want to talk more, but I’m so glad you’re doing this, I’ve been worried about you on this point…
Hi Angela,
LOL! about your worry. Yeah, I hear you. 🙂
I’ve been querying others, and I have an in-person pitch scheduled for the beginning of April (that comes included with the Desert Dreams conference), so it’s not that I’m giving up in the slightest. This is more about deciding not to hold myself back because I’m afraid of what choices I’ll have to face afterward. 🙂 Thanks for the (as always, awesome) support and the comment!
Cool, that makes sense! You feared what would happen if you didn’t get her, which held you back from trying at all? I think I’m dealing with some fear right now, of a different sort, and that’s why it’s been so hard to get motivated to revise. I hit a wall, and I just need to pick myself up and keep going and deal with the fallout, if any, as I go along, I guess.
Hi Angela,
Exactly! But now that I have a plan for that possibility, it’s not as scary of a prospect that I’m avoiding it completely. 🙂 I knew you’d understand! Thanks again for everything, and let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you!
Jami,
Congratulations on getting a 99% score! That is something to be celebrated as is your other contest successes. You have the talent to get where you need to go, and you are indeed a writer. Never second guess yourself. I’m just waiting for you to hit it big.
~Haley
Hi Haley,
Aww, thanks! 🙂 I’ll settle for hitting the ground with something other than my face. (I am the queen of the #KlutzClub after all.) LOL! Thanks for the support and the comment!
Its good you recognize the problem, and can act on your own advice. Waiting for that “one thing” can seriously hold you back. That 99% score was awesome indeed though. Whatever happens with the query, you are ready to send it out. Best wishes for speedy success.
…….dhole
Hi Donna,
Yes, that “recognizing the problem” is always the first step, isn’t it? 🙂 Thanks for the support and the comment!
“We shouldn’t wait for permission to call ourselves a writer. (If we write, we’re a writer—nothing “aspiring” about it.) We shouldn’t wait for permission to take our writing seriously. We shouldn’t wait for permission to make progress toward our goals. In short, we shouldn’t wait for external permission for our internal dreams. Yes, it’s nice to have encouragement from others or validation that we’re “good enough,” but too often we let that “nice to have” aspect hold us back.” Yes, I agree with all of the above. If you write, you are a writer. You don’t need other people’s validation to confirm that. 🙂 Like I draw (even if not very well yet), and so I call myself an artist already. Lol. It doesn’t really matter what other people think in terms of whether I “qualify” as an artist. It only matters what I think I am, because in the end, it’s MY identity after all, not theirs. I define myself as a writer, because I myself really think I am one. And I also define myself as an artist, because I feel I really am one too. And as for lack of skill, why, I simply define myself as an artist / writer who is still improving on her skills, or as an artist or writer of CURRENTLY low skill and experience. However, IN THE FUTURE, I WILL become an artist and writer of HIGH skill and experience. But even then, I am ALREADY an “artist” and “writer”, just… — Read More »
Hi Serena,
Absolutely! All that talent stuff can be very subjective too, so there’s no one in charge of handing out the “talented enough to be official” badges. 😉
And great point about the word amateur. That can lead to an impression of a hobbyist rather than someone who is seriously pursuing improvement or acting professional. We work too hard for that! 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
“amateur. That can lead to an impression of a hobbyist rather than someone who is seriously pursuing improvement or acting professional. We work too hard for that!”
Exactly! 😀
[…] for their own chosen route!) But, for me, it has been a salvation. Reading posts like these (Are you waiting for permission?) about the waiting and worry of the traditional route, I know now that I would have given up too […]
Marry Christmas, Jami … may you score all the loot your heart desired.
Hi Widdershins,
Merry Christmas to you too! And I hope your holidays bring you what you desire as well. 🙂
[…] Nice post from Jami Gold about writing – Are You Waiting For Permission? […]
Good for you, Jami! It is crazy how we don’t give ourselves credit, or don’t allow ourselves to go for our dreams. Writers are alway the hardest on themselves. Thanks for the inspirational post! It always makes me feel like I’m in it together with all the other writers out there when I see posts like this and realize we’re all going through the same things. 🙂
Hi E.B.,
Yes, we’re definitely all in it together because we share so much. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
Nicely said Ms. Jami. A definite “thing” for me as well. I’ve fallen into your blog by happenstance today. And I am cheered to feel not so alone. I queried two publications prior to Christmas and heard nothing back. Holiday timing was probably bad. But it’s not a good feeling. I made myself do it and there’s no pay off yet. Do I feel like doing more. No. Will I get back up? Eventually. Thanks for the reminder I’m not the only one.
Love,
Shalagh
Hi Shalagh,
You’re definitely not alone. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that you hear good news and/or that you feel strong enough to get back up sooner rather than later–because we’re all in this together. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
[…] myself, I took the step of querying my “dream agent” like I promised myself I would. Also, in addition to presenting at WANACon, I’ll be presenting at two in-person conferences […]